Q&A For March 2009: The Answers

In, er, April. Yes. I’ve spent the better part of this week suffering from, first a cold, then a stomache virus. The time not spent blowing my nose, or with my head in a bucket, has been spent trying to make up for lost hours at work, so I’ve been busy.

But here I am, blogging away like a man on a mission, because, in truth, I am a man on a mission. The mission at hand: Answering your questions!

Let’s get this freak show on the road, kids:

Chris “Jesus” Hayner wrote:

Q: Robert Kay,
If you could impart one piece of life wisdom on me, what would it be?

A: Never feed the monkeys. Sure, they look cute at first, with their large soulful eyes and human like hands, but behind those eyes there burns a rage no human could ever hope to contain. And those adorable human like hands are then used to throw unspeakable things at your face.

Other than that, I find life is much easier to tackle if I start everyday happy. It’s really that easy, friend. Somedays I wake up with back pain, a headache, and a mile long list of shit to accomplish with not enough hours to do so, but it’s days like those that I try to close my eyes, take a deep breath, and think; “It could always be worse.”

Seriously, I’ve got family, friends, a roof over my head, a job. All of these things (especially the last two bits, in this current economy) are more than some others have.

Just smile, man.

Q: Also, outside of Guinness, what is your favorite beer?

A: Fat Tire is always a good choice. The only “American” (and by “American”, I mean the big American beer companies, ie: Coors, Bud, Miller, etc., there are many fine American beers from smaller breweries) beer I can stomache is Miller Genuine Draft, and even that is something I only drink when I want to get smashed without resorting to hard alky-hall.

Actually, I suppose Heineken is pretty decent too.

Ali The Diva Wrote:

Q: What is your favorite Angel episode?

A: Most of the first season still stands out, mainly due to Doyle. So any Doyle-centric episode is pretty high on my list.

And, of course, Smile Time.

Spike’s “You’re a wee little puppet man.” always floors me with laughter.

Q: Do you find David Boreanaz as hot as I do?

A: I do love a brooder.

Q: Will you ever again cut your hair?

A: I’ve decided the next logical stage will be shaving it all off completely. Going the Mr. Clean/Frank Black route. I just don’t know when that will happen. I like having extremely long hair, for some reason. I’ve never had it this long and it’s kind of become a security blanket, I think.

My father didn’t cut his hair for a couple of decades. I can see following that path.

Trish The Dish Wrote:

Q: How do you plan to profit?

A: I plan to continue down the path of gaining new readers to this fine blog, and when the time is finally right, I will gather all of you wonderful internet people up, along with all my followers over at Twitter, and I will sell you all into prostitution.

I imagine some of you will fetch a rather high price.

Also: I will wear a purple velvet hat with a bright yellow feather and I will carry a walking stick with a large diamond as it’s handle. I’ll be fearsome.

Q: How do you maintain such sexiness in cold climates?

A: Well, it’s really just taking the same level of sexiness that I’ve always made present, and applying it in a bitterly cold environment.

It’s much easier for me than it would be for someone of a lesser level of sexiness.

Fun Fact: The locals come to me in the winter. “Help us!”, they cry. So I strike various sexy poses and they gather round me for warmth.

Q: When can I buy your book(s)?

A: I’m working on this. Much progress was made on “the novel” recently, then life cleared its throat and flashed me a glare and now I’ve no time to return to it. Once I win the lottery and can afford to not work at a gas station, I will have all the time in the world to write and it will no longer be an issue.

Unfortunately, the lottery people refuse to give me money for a ticket with no winning numbers on it.

“But surely it must be worth something!” I shout, “It’s not NONE of the numbers! None! That must be some sort of rarity, no!?” and they shake their heads and I cry.

Sam The Wich wrote:

Q: are you in fact, a dumbfuck?

A: Yes. Yes, I am. It’s a well established fact from long ago. Ask my parents, they will confirm.

Q: What the fuck is up?

A: A direction, an upcoming movie from Pixar, the opposite of down, the sky, the top of your head, Shaquille O’Neal’s armpits, your cholesterol, my IQ, etc.

Also, where have you disappeared to?

Q: I just played Orange Crush on hard on Rockband2 and got a 98%. I fuckin’ rule.

A: I’m proud of you.

Q: That last one was not a question…?

A: I’ll allow it.

Q: I added that question mark so I could stay on topic. Am I drunk?

A: I’ve come to assume you’re drunk until proven otherwise.

B The Randy Wrote:

Q: how fast does a fart travel?

A: It depends on which mode of transportation it chooses. For example, it can travel much faster by flying than driving, though it can be pricey.

Q: what do you get when you breed an alligator with a ferret?

A: A mess and a lot of heartache.

Q: how many licks does it take to taste the rainbow?

A: Sober: 94 On LSD: You needn’t even lick to taste it. The rainbow comes to YOU.

Hella “Cuddles49” Wrote:


A: Itty Bitty Baby? Itty Bitty Boat. HABEEB IT.

Nick “SPOON!” Murphy Wrote:

Q: Who would win in a fight between Bruce Lee and Bruce Lee?

A: There are so many possible answers to this question.

For example, if you mean kung fu film legend Bruce Lee versus Accountant from Nebraska Bruce Lee, my money is on the kung fu guy.

But if you mean kung fu legend Bruce Lee in his prime, back in the 60s, versus kung fu legend Bruce Lee today, meaning a corpse, my money’s on 60s “alive” Bruce Lee.

However, if you mean Fists of Fury Bruce Lee versus Kato from The Green Hornet Bruce Lee, I’m backing Fists of Fury Bruce Lee.

So, really, it’s an impossible question to answer.

Nixx The Thunder from Down Under Wrote:

Q: why is that that if I eat dairy after 10pm I have bizarre vivid nightmares?

A: Well, it’s obvious to me that your local dairy farm is slipping the cows hallucinogens prior to milking them. Be careful, it may be part of an elaborate plot to take over the world. The chicken farmers may be planting some sort of mind control device in your eggs. You’ve been warned.

Q: When will I get that elusive winning lotto ticket so I can travel the world and live like a gypsy (minus the theft)?

A: Probably around the same time I get mine and I can travel around the world and live like a theif (minus the gypsying).

That brings us to the end of yet another Q&A blog, my lovelies. I thank you for your wonderful, deep, thought provoking, silly, terrible, intruding questions.

You’re all beautiful and I wish to touch you.

I’m off to blow my nose (I should tweet that) then it’s off to bed with me, but I wanted to share with you this wonderful music video that will make you feel happy and safe and warm:

Bye now.


Published by Rob Kaas

Biographical information? I was born 37 years ago. I've lived a little here and there since then. I do not look forward to death. Biographical enough for you?

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