Taking A Moment To Talk About Wolverine

So, I’ve finally seen Wolverine (the title “X-Men Origins” is extremely lame).

Let’s make this a quick list, otherwise I’ll ramble on with nerd rage.

Spoilers abound below:

Things Wolverine Did Wrong:

1: The CGI claws were terrible, as was whatever the hell they did to Xavier’s face. He looked like a god damn store mannequin.

Come to me, my X-Men.

2: Gambit is Cajun. Which means he should have a Cajun accent. I wouldn’t be bothered by him NOT having a Cajun accent, if he was consistantly not Cajun throughout the movie. Unfortunately, he seemed to slip back and forth between Cajun whenever he damn well pleased. You either have an accent or you don’t, dumbass. Pick one.

3: Emma Fucking Frost is not related to Silver Fucking Fox.

4: “The only thing that can kill him is… an adamantium bullet! DUN DUN DUUNNNNNN!” Esqueeze me? Seriously? Did that really just happen?

5: If will.i.am says “OMG I LUV COMIX LET ME BE IN UR COMIX BOOK MOOVEE AHURRDURR!” ever again, tell him no. Please.

6: Dominic Monaghan. Why put him in your movie if you’re going to underuse him? That would be like casting Ben Foster as Angel and only giving him five seconds of screen time OH WAIT.

7: Logan loses his memory because of the adamantium bullet (graaaah), which explains why he wouldn’t remember Creed when they meet in X-Men (THE MOVIE THIS ONE IS A GOD DAMN PREQUEL TO), but what about Creed? Why didn’t Creed remember Logan? And why did he look younger in X-Men than he did in Wolverine which, as I said, IS A GOD DAMN PREQUEL?

8: Why was the base’s location in Wolverine so different from the location of the base in X-Men 2, even though it was supposedly the same base at which Wolverine was given his adamantium? WHY, FOX? WHY?

9: Deadpool. Son of a bitch. They put a character affectionately known as “The Merc with a Mouth” in a movie, then take away his mouth. His mouth, you guys. They took it away. Will he have it in the next movie? Of course he will, but that’s not my point. They pumped him up full of powers he never had, they cast the perfect actor for the role and only gave him maybe two or three lines, they put BLADES in his ARMS. Blades in his arms. So many ways they raped Deadpool. Poor Wade.

Things Wolverine Did Right:

1: The relationship between Logan and Silver Fox was pretty well done (up until the end graahnerdraaage).

2: Liev Schrieber did a fantastic job as Victor.

3: The opening credit sequence, with all the different wars Logan has been in, was really well done.

4: For the three or four seconds Wade was actually on screen, he was pretty funny.

5: Takings bits from ORIGIN (the good mini-series) and not from WOLVERINE: ORIGINS (the really bad monthly series) was good.

6: The guy who played Fred “Blob” Dukes did a great job.

7: Explosions were pretty.

8: Danny Huston plays a bad guy really well (go rent 30 Days of Night).

9: The guy who played Gambit, aside from the really annoying “I have an accent! Now I don’t! Now I do! Now I don’t!” thing, did a decent job playing Gambit. Kind of.

So the good moments were those where you had to shut your brain off. Explosions, motorcycle chases, fight scenes, etc. The bad moments were the bits that made you think and go “Wait, what? No. NO!”

Overall, I did enjoy it. But barely. If they had gotten Deadpool right, it would have been a different movie for me. I don’t think I’d have been quite as angry upon leaving the theater.

On the upside, the Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen trailer was excellent.

Advertisement