Current Proof of Life:
Current Audio Saturation:
The snow has receded early this year, giving us a preview of spring. The brown tattered grass and naked tree branches seem as unprepared for the death of winter as the rest of us. Sunlight warming my face, gentle breezes on the air instead of biting cold winds, neighbors in shorts and t-shirts. All of this is uncomfortably unfamiliar in February for Minnesota.
Never talk about the weather.
I turn 33 in 3 days and while it’s just another birthday, it dawned on me recently that this will be the first birthday of my life without my father. My father was there, either physically or as a voice on the phone, for every single one of my birthdays since day one and this will be the end of that.
As we get closer to the one year anniversary of his passing, things are getting harder again. Emotions are running wild, sleep is growing more and more in rarity by the night, nerves and anxiety in full force. All of this was finally falling under control, I was finally getting a grasp on the sadness and the emptiness, finally learning to live normally again. Is this what life is, now? Almost a full year of fighting for control of my own emotions, my own heart and mind, only to lose it all when it is finally within my grasp?
The photo album helps. It helps and it hurts, but mostly it helps. Seeing photos of my father holding me as a baby, seeing photos of us on family vacations and the like, reliving those memories, that’s helping me in a lot of ways I never thought it could.
Just another birthday.
I have to work on my birthday this year, which is normal and not usually a problem, except I’m not sure in what state I will be when the day comes. Will it be a happy day, of friendship and laughter? Or will I spend my time barely holding it together? Time will tell.
Just another birthday.
Current Proof of Life:
Another thing that happened is my mother was admitted to the hospital.
This all started back in September. Feeling nauseated/vomiting, diarrhea, close to fainting. Into the hospital she went and after observation, the doctors were stumped. Her white blood cell count was through the roof, but even after a battery of tests they had no idea why. They put her on some antibiotics and sent her home.
The end of December, it all happened again. Another trip to the emergency room, another round of tests, another string of doctors scratching their heads. All things seemed well enough until last week, when my sister (who was visiting) noticed my mother seemed pale. Complaints about nausea and sweatiness followed, then she went into the bathroom, where after getting sick, she essentially collapsed. My sister was there to help her to the floor, as per the instructions of 911, where she was told she may need to start chest compressions. During all of this, my mother was barely responsive. The ambulance picked her up and rushed her to the hospital.
All of that happened in the span of roughly thirty minutes. She went from feeling completely normal, to barely being there at all.
My father’s health has been in decline since roughly the same time all of this started with my mother. In fact, that seems to be a popular theory as to what could be causing all of this, the stress and strain of caring for my father and watching what he’s going through. He stopped taking his required medication, stopped taking his insulin, refused going to the doctor for any sort of follow-up appointment. He’d given up. This has taken its toll on us all.
There may be a sliver of hope, however, as today my sister and mother convinced my father to attend a doctor’s appointment. At this appointment, he agreed to restart his medication routine, agreed to return for a follow-up appointment. He’s agreed to fight back, in a way, and that has us all feeling very good. Cautiously optimistic, but good. My mother has an appointment on Monday, to seek answers as to her mystery illness. A good friend of mine has brought up the possibility of Lupus, given a similar situation with his own mother a few years back. I’ve told my sister and now my mother, so that test may still be in the cards if no other answers are to be found.
I have not coped well with my father’s decline in health. This whole business with my mother has only added to what was already a heavy weight on my heart. I am focusing on the positive. I am keeping myself busy between friends, family, and work. But still it lingers, like a tiny flame in the back of my mind.
And so Monday is now the focus of my attention and worry. My plans for the weekend include getting caught up on comic books and listening to very loud rock music, all in an attempt to take my mind from it. This weekend is about unwinding, about having fun and focusing on enjoying myself.
Outside, the trees are bended by the force of 70mph winds and my windows are being pelted by hail. The clouds flicker with lightning and I can feel the roar of thunder rumbling in my chest. I’m reminded that storms come and storms pass. They hit you with everything they’ve got and leave you feeling drenched and beaten, but the sun will show itself again.
A fitting end to this post, I think.
Current Status (pictured above): More hair than man.
Imagine Dragons –Tiptoe
Current Thoughts: Less than two weeks away from attending the Minnesota State Fair and seeing Depeche Mode in concert. To say I’m excited is an understatement.
I’ve finally seen the film <a href=”http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Seven_Psychopaths”>Seven Psychopaths</a>, written and directed by Martin McDonagh. Such a fantastic film. So many amazing performances and such strong writing. I haven’t enjoyed a film on that level in quite a while.
I’ve begun playing Marvel Heroes, the action MMORPG featuring a plethora of Marvel Comics superheroes. It’s fun, if a bit basic. I’m enjoying it so far.
Current Calming Image:
Current Plans: Sleep > Breakfast > Walk in the sunlight > Marvel Heroes > Dinner > More Marvel Heroes > Sleep
Current Status (pictured above): Disembodied head, simultaneously floating through all of time and space. I am every where at every time. Forever.
Current Audio Matrix:
Yoko Kanno Moon
Current Thought System: I miss the desert at night. I miss the earth beneath my feet and the entirety of the cosmos playing out above my head in brilliant technicolor reality. I miss the stillness, the absolute quiet. I miss being able to think. I also miss the ocean at night. The roar of the water, the moonlight dancing upon the waves, the sand between my toes. The link between these two things, of course, being sand. I miss sand, I suppose is what is to be taken away from all of this. I think in cycles, it seems, as I’m certain I’ve spoken about my love of the desert and beach here before with the same sense of melancholy and longing. Oh well.
Current Calming Visual Arrangement:
Current Sustenance Classification: It seems as though I have been sustaining primarily on a diet of Red Vines and Diet Citrus and/or Mixed Berry Green Tea lately. I haven’t thought to track any changes to my physiology that this may or may not have caused up until this point. This may have been a horrible mistake.
Current Plans: There are standing plans to go and see The Wolverine this evening. There are also plans to purchase (at least) a six-pack of Guinness. Whether either of these plans come to fruition remains to be seen.
Current Status (pictured above):
A man at rest, preparing quietly –and mentally– for the coming storm on the horizon.
Current Sound Saturation:
Snow Patrol The Lightning Strike
I have been having odd dreams lately. One night saw the wife and myself joining a focus group for a mysterious project that turned out to be a science experiment being conducted on inter-dimensional travel and time manipulation. Another night saw a slightly younger version of myself defending my current home from an unseen invading force. I’m not sure what any of it means.
Current Calming Imagery:
Sleep. More things will follow the sleep, but sleep is the most important element of my very near future.
Current Status (pictured above): Awake well beyond a time anyone of normal mind frame would consider to be healthy.
Current Aural Stimulation:
Portishead – Numb
Current Pain: Have somehow injured my right shoulder. Uncertain as to when injury took place, but it hurts to move my arm in an upward fashion. I foresee this complicating my ability to deliver devastating uppercut punches to my enemies. Am at a physical disadvantage to those who might wish me harm. On the mend.
Current Calming Imagery:
Current Plans: Sleep to follow soon. Afterward, will venture forth into the world on foot to procure new items with which to grant nourishment to my family. After that, I will work until the time just before the sun peeks over the horizon. Then sleep will follow once more.
Current Inspirational Quote:
Care keeps his watch in every old man’s eye,
And where care lodges, sleep will never lie;
But where unbruised youth with unstuff’d brain
Doth couch his limbs, there golden sleep doth reign.
Current Physical Status (pictured above):
A broken man for whom sleep has not come easily these last few nights. Tonight will be different, though it is already well beyond one in the morning.
Current Musical Accompaniment:
David Lynch Featuring Lykke Li — I’m Waiting Here
The third season finale of Game of Thrones, the end of all things, giant spiders.
Current Calming Imagery:
Will make the dangerous trek to the local branch of the United States Post Office at some point in the afternoon. Will dine with family, will watch films with family. Most importantly: Will rest.
Current Mission: Sleep.