Let’s get right down to it, yeah?
where’s my video dammit?!
A: Actually, I have an explanation for this! Our computer has been acting extremely slow lately and hasn’t been cooperating in the “allowing me to edit video” department, so I just haven’t been able to upload anything. I promise, though. Once we get it figured out, there will be many more video blogs, including one JUST FOR YOU. Well, and John. You and John. Because you’re awesome.
oh and whats for dinner?
A: Generic pasta.
A: That is fucking deep (that’s what she said). My answer to that is BECAUSE.
Dustin “Hurricane of Love” Brown asks:
How can i meet girls who aren’t lying whore faces?
A: I promise you that they’re not all lying whore faces. There are plenty of lying whore faces out there, though. On both sides of the gender wars, if we’re being honest. I’ve seen my fair share of lying whore faces in the past and I can say it sometimes takes some wading through the pools of bullshit before you find the green pastures of love.
My advice is this: Hang in there, remember that the ones that break your heart don’t deserve to remain there anyway, and don’t give up on love (corny, I know), because it’s out there and you’ll find it. Even a jaded prick like you will one day find your perfect mate. :|
If i drove to your house, could i stay on your couch? By stay, I mean stain.
A: If I had a couch that wouldn’t kill you, then yes. Man, I’m telling you, when we can save up enough money to either fix up this place or get a new one, I want to have people visit all the time. But as this place (barely)stands right now, it’s just not feasible. The house may implode and kill us all if one more person were to show up here, really. It’s that dangerous.
So short answer: Once we have a couch worthy of your loveable ass, yes. You may stay on it (stain on it).
When you go to sleep at night, what is most commonly on your mind?
A: It depends on the kind of day I’ve had prior to going to sleep. If I’m feeling happy, it’s happy thoughts (love, life, pie). If it’s the opposite, it’s opposite thoughts (hatred, death, lack of pie).
Most nights, my mind is all over the place. I think of family, I think of friends, I think of where I’ll be in five years, in ten years. I think of where I’ve been, where I’m going. I think of the regrets I have and wonder if they’re worth holding on to. I think of what I’ll be doing the next day. All over the place.
If you could be a dinosaur, which would you be and why?
A: I’d be a stegosaurus, because I’ve always thought that, of all the dinosaurs, the stego would be the most fun to hang out with. The stegosaurus seems like the kind of dinosaur that you could catch a movie with, maybe grab a few beers and just kick back and listen to Rush. Stegosaurus seems like a Rush fan. And Kiss. I bet the stegosaurus loves Kiss.
If I died in your arms tonight and it must have been something you said, what would those words have most likely been?
A: “You look like you’ve had a long day. I’ve taken the liberty of filling your bathtub with JELLO and setting the CD player to play ‘I’ll Make Love To You’ by Boyz-II-Men on repeat. Let’s make magic, baby.”
Are you well hung?
A: It’s proportionate (for a dwarf).
Actually, Tracy, a friend/former coworker of mine, had recently read some of my short fiction and, being impressed by it, asked what I was doing out here in Minnesota instead of somewhere with a higher chance of being “noticed”.
First off, let me say that I’m flattered by how impressed she seemed by my work. I never really expect such a positive reaction when people read anything I’ve written, so it’s a nice surprise when it happens.
Secondly, in response to “What are you doing [here]? You need to be where you can get noticed. We love having you here…but do you think you will get where you want to be by being [here]?” I have to say, the wonderful thing about writing is that you can do it just about anywhere. Granted, if I were to be living someplace like Los Angeles (for example), I might be in a better position to have face time with the people I would be submitting things to. But the internet has really changed things. I’m able to get in touch with people who may be able to further my writing career with a mere e-mail.
In moving from California to Minnesota, I was never once concerned with not being able to continue with my writing. Everyone else seemed concerned about it. My parents were concerned, even Danielle was concerned, but I’ve never been.
I do not write as much as I used to, this is true. I won’t deny that. But life will always get in the way, no matter where you happen to call home. I’d much rather write a bit less, but be blissfully happy in other areas of life, than be in a position to write all day long while drinking away a miserable life. Many of the writers I’ve looked up to for years have led such lives, and I do not intend to follow in their footsteps in that regard.
I will finish my novel someday. I will collect my short stories into a book. I will finish and eventually direct a screenplay. Someday all of these things will happen, I’m not worried about when.
This was a very interesting question and one that really got me thinking, so I thank you for that, Tracy. I’ve never once regretted moving out here, for any reason. I’ve been happier living here with Danielle than I have been in a very, very long time. I have met some truly wonderful people and living here has been an experience I would never trade for anything in the world.
In regard to my writing, I try to set aside time to write. “Sunday will be writing day”, I say. “Writing, all day, no excuses.” But when you’re a family man, other things pop up and always will.
My family is the single most important thing in my life and always will be. I’m a writer, plain and simple. It’s who I am and what I do. But it will always be a secondary title to husband/father.
That wraps up this months Q&A. Thanks to those who have sent in questions!
In, er, April. Yes. I’ve spent the better part of this week suffering from, first a cold, then a stomache virus. The time not spent blowing my nose, or with my head in a bucket, has been spent trying to make up for lost hours at work, so I’ve been busy.
But here I am, blogging away like a man on a mission, because, in truth, I am a man on a mission. The mission at hand: Answering your questions!
Let’s get this freak show on the road, kids:
Chris “Jesus” Hayner wrote:
Q: Robert Kay,
If you could impart one piece of life wisdom on me, what would it be?
A: Never feed the monkeys. Sure, they look cute at first, with their large soulful eyes and human like hands, but behind those eyes there burns a rage no human could ever hope to contain. And those adorable human like hands are then used to throw unspeakable things at your face.
Other than that, I find life is much easier to tackle if I start everyday happy. It’s really that easy, friend. Somedays I wake up with back pain, a headache, and a mile long list of shit to accomplish with not enough hours to do so, but it’s days like those that I try to close my eyes, take a deep breath, and think; “It could always be worse.”
Seriously, I’ve got family, friends, a roof over my head, a job. All of these things (especially the last two bits, in this current economy) are more than some others have.
Just smile, man.
Q: Also, outside of Guinness, what is your favorite beer?
A: Fat Tire is always a good choice. The only “American” (and by “American”, I mean the big American beer companies, ie: Coors, Bud, Miller, etc., there are many fine American beers from smaller breweries) beer I can stomache is Miller Genuine Draft, and even that is something I only drink when I want to get smashed without resorting to hard alky-hall.
Actually, I suppose Heineken is pretty decent too.
Ali The Diva Wrote:
Q: What is your favorite Angel episode?
A: Most of the first season still stands out, mainly due to Doyle. So any Doyle-centric episode is pretty high on my list.
And, of course, Smile Time.
Spike’s “You’re a wee little puppet man.” always floors me with laughter.
Q: Do you find David Boreanaz as hot as I do?
A: I do love a brooder.
Q: Will you ever again cut your hair?
A: I’ve decided the next logical stage will be shaving it all off completely. Going the Mr. Clean/Frank Black route. I just don’t know when that will happen. I like having extremely long hair, for some reason. I’ve never had it this long and it’s kind of become a security blanket, I think.
My father didn’t cut his hair for a couple of decades. I can see following that path.
Trish The Dish Wrote:
Q: How do you plan to profit?
A: I plan to continue down the path of gaining new readers to this fine blog, and when the time is finally right, I will gather all of you wonderful internet people up, along with all my followers over at Twitter, and I will sell you all into prostitution.
I imagine some of you will fetch a rather high price.
Also: I will wear a purple velvet hat with a bright yellow feather and I will carry a walking stick with a large diamond as it’s handle. I’ll be fearsome.
Q: How do you maintain such sexiness in cold climates?
A: Well, it’s really just taking the same level of sexiness that I’ve always made present, and applying it in a bitterly cold environment.
It’s much easier for me than it would be for someone of a lesser level of sexiness.
Fun Fact: The locals come to me in the winter. “Help us!”, they cry. So I strike various sexy poses and they gather round me for warmth.
Q: When can I buy your book(s)?
A: I’m working on this. Much progress was made on “the novel” recently, then life cleared its throat and flashed me a glare and now I’ve no time to return to it. Once I win the lottery and can afford to not work at a gas station, I will have all the time in the world to write and it will no longer be an issue.
Unfortunately, the lottery people refuse to give me money for a ticket with no winning numbers on it.
“But surely it must be worth something!” I shout, “It’s not NONE of the numbers! None! That must be some sort of rarity, no!?” and they shake their heads and I cry.
Sam The Wich wrote:
Q: are you in fact, a dumbfuck?
A: Yes. Yes, I am. It’s a well established fact from long ago. Ask my parents, they will confirm.
Q: What the fuck is up?
A: A direction, an upcoming movie from Pixar, the opposite of down, the sky, the top of your head, Shaquille O’Neal’s armpits, your cholesterol, my IQ, etc.
Also, where have you disappeared to?
Q: I just played Orange Crush on hard on Rockband2 and got a 98%. I fuckin’ rule.
A: I’m proud of you.
Q: That last one was not a question…?
A: I’ll allow it.
Q: I added that question mark so I could stay on topic. Am I drunk?
A: I’ve come to assume you’re drunk until proven otherwise.
B The Randy Wrote:
Q: how fast does a fart travel?
A: It depends on which mode of transportation it chooses. For example, it can travel much faster by flying than driving, though it can be pricey.
Q: what do you get when you breed an alligator with a ferret?
A: A mess and a lot of heartache.
Q: how many licks does it take to taste the rainbow?
A: Sober: 94 On LSD: You needn’t even lick to taste it. The rainbow comes to YOU.
Hella “Cuddles49” Wrote:
Q: HOW IS BABBY FORMED?
A: Itty Bitty Baby? Itty Bitty Boat. HABEEB IT.
Nick “SPOON!” Murphy Wrote:
Q: Who would win in a fight between Bruce Lee and Bruce Lee?
A: There are so many possible answers to this question.
For example, if you mean kung fu film legend Bruce Lee versus Accountant from Nebraska Bruce Lee, my money is on the kung fu guy.
But if you mean kung fu legend Bruce Lee in his prime, back in the 60s, versus kung fu legend Bruce Lee today, meaning a corpse, my money’s on 60s “alive” Bruce Lee.
However, if you mean Fists of Fury Bruce Lee versus Kato from The Green Hornet Bruce Lee, I’m backing Fists of Fury Bruce Lee.
So, really, it’s an impossible question to answer.
Nixx The Thunder from Down Under Wrote:
Q: why is that that if I eat dairy after 10pm I have bizarre vivid nightmares?
A: Well, it’s obvious to me that your local dairy farm is slipping the cows hallucinogens prior to milking them. Be careful, it may be part of an elaborate plot to take over the world. The chicken farmers may be planting some sort of mind control device in your eggs. You’ve been warned.
Q: When will I get that elusive winning lotto ticket so I can travel the world and live like a gypsy (minus the theft)?
A: Probably around the same time I get mine and I can travel around the world and live like a theif (minus the gypsying).
That brings us to the end of yet another Q&A blog, my lovelies. I thank you for your wonderful, deep, thought provoking, silly, terrible, intruding questions.
You’re all beautiful and I wish to touch you.
I’m off to blow my nose (I should tweet that) then it’s off to bed with me, but I wanted to share with you this wonderful music video that will make you feel happy and safe and warm:
Here we are again, my friends. I’ve gotten quite a few questions this time, so let’s get right down to it, shall we?
The lovely Jen asks:
William Shatner? Why? Or would the answer scare me?
This would be in reference to the Questions blog in which I mentioned my unhealthy obsession with William Shatner.
When I was about fifteen years old, I began writing a screenplay that I, to this day, have never finished. It was a “buddy comedy” about two geeks on an adventure leading up to Comic-Con (Simon Pegg and Nick Frost are currently doing a film entitled “Paul”, which is essentially the same concept, only it will be done much better and will be much funnier than mine ever would have been).
In this screenplay, there was a character who became obsessed with William Shatner, in a roundabout way. He had met Shatner at a convention and inadvertantly hurt him (stepped on his foot/hit him in the head with a backpack/knocked various Star Trek knick-knacks on top of him/etc.) and since that fateful day, had made it his mission to track down Bill Shatner and apologize for it. The problem is, each time he comes in contact with Shatner, he ends up doing very similar things.
I think the story ended with Shatner getting a restraining order. Something like that.
The reason I chose Shatner for the object of the character’s obsession is because of all the “stars” of Comic-Con, Shatner seems like he’d be the one who would take it most in stride. Shatner had a bit of a reputation for being pretty self centered after Star Trek, but in his later years, he’s really developed a charming way of poking fun at himself. I admire the hell out of that.
Also, it’s James. T. Fucking Kirk. What’s not to love? I just want to hug him.
The mummy or the wolfman, who would win in a fight?
As a huge raging geek, this is the type of question that I love getting.
Now, if we’re talking the classic Universal Mummy/Wolfman, I’m gonna have to side with the Wolfman. Because, really, the Mummy was just Boris Karloff wrapped in toilet paper.
But if we’re going with the new movies, the big budget action versions, I’d side with the Mummy. Because that guy can send a fucking wall of sand in the shape of his face at you. THE SHAPE OF HIS FACE. That’s terrifying. And way more powerful than a hairy befanged dude running around the moors.
Remake of cult horror films. Bad or good?
There are really some very good horror writers out there, writers who, if pressed, can probably come up with wonderfully scary original ideas. Unfortunately, Hollywood is not interested in those writers. They’d rather go “Hey, remember Halloween? Yeah, that movie made some pretty big money. Let’s remake that.”
Which is sad.
I haven’t seen the Rob Zombie Halloween, but I’d like to. The more I hear about the Friday The 13th remake, the more excited about it I get (oddly enough). If done correctly, if the property is treated with respect and love and given to a team of writers/directors who have a deep rooted love for the original material, then it can turn out really really well.
If not, you get shit like Gus Van Sant’s Psycho.
Actually, Van Sant’s version got a lot more guff than it deserved. It’s just… Why remake Hitchcock? Remaking A Nightmare on Elm St. or Friday The 13th, fine, the originals weren’t exactly cinematic milestones, but Hitchcock is already pretty near perfection.
So really, it’s neither bad OR good, because in any given case it could go either way. That being said, MTV NEEDS TO STOP TRYING TO REMAKE THE ROCKY HORROR PICTURE SHOW.
I can’t believe they are remaking Red Sonja. Such a bad movie to begin with. Bad casting choice or who would you cast? (don’t know if you have seen the original)
I have seen the original, and I agree, it was pretty bad. But it’s still an enjoyable enough experience, as long as you don’t take it too seriously.
I like Rose McGowan, I really do, but I don’t think she’s a very good actress. If you watch her episodes of Charmed, then watch one of her movies, like Planet Terror, she’s essentially playing the same exact character in different circumstances. She’s like a female Ben Affleck, in that respect.
Who would I cast? Man, I don’t know. I think McGowan can probably pull it off, if she bulks up a little before filming. I mean, it’s not like Red Sonja had any scenes that required real acting chops. Basically, the lead in Red Sonja needs only look good in a metal bikini (am I remembering Red Sonja correctly?) and be able to wield a sword without looking ridiculous. So McGowan might be able to do that.
Ever had fried pineapple? The Scots deep fry everything
Oh my God, no. No I have not, but now I want to try it.
I have a feeling that, whenever I finally make it over to Scotland, I’m going to really enjoy it there.
oh wait John has one. Star Trek with Pirates (avast ye scurvy klingons etc). Bad idea or good?
John is a fucking GENIUS. That is the single best idea I have ever heard (er, read) and if I were J.J. Abrams, I would include pirates in the upcoming Star Trek film.
Why have I never thought of that before?! Brilliant.
The tiny-yet-still-furiously fisted Ali writes:
I want to know what makes Robk tick? What are your motivations, dreams… what compels you to go forth and prosper?
If you had said “live long and prosper”, this could have been a Star Trek theme.
What makes me tick, eh? This is a question I probably shouldn’t be answering at four in the morning, but let’s give it a shot:
I think, for anyone, it really breaks down to two seperate motivations that drive us as people; A personal motivation and a professional motivation.
My personal motivation has changed drastically over the years. When I was a stupid teenager, my motivation was “Let’s go get some more beer and weed and let’s head over to the beach and get wasted!”. As I got older, I found myself being the guy everyone leaned on. I was the one people came to talk to if they were feeling depressed or lonely or scared or what have you. So my motivation at that point was helping people through their problems and generally trying to make people happy.
Granted, at the time, I was going through some pretty messed up stuff emotionally, stuff I was trying to drown in alcohol and debauchery, so maybe I wasn’t exactly the perfect person to help people through their own problems. But I felt I had to try.
That’s kinda been who I am ever since, really. The shoulder to cry on, the sympathetic ear, etc.
But now that I’m a family man, my personal motivation has changed yet again to one of doing whatever is necessary to keep my family happy and healthy. I still offer advice to those who seek it out, but it’s not what drives me anymore. My family is what drives me now.
As far as professionally, I’ve run the gamut since I was a child. In my life time, I’ve wanted to be:
A super hero
A police officer
A truck driver
An ice cream man
A stand up comedian
A marine biologist
And probably half a dozen other various things. Some of the above listed are probably still viable options for me, but the only one that has stayed with me, the only one for which I have never lost my passion, is writing. So I know that, whatever I end up doing as a career (read: when I’m not unloading a truck once a week), will involve writing. I’d be crazy if it didn’t.
Dreams? To have the ability to afford Danielle the ability to quit her job and never have to work again. To own a house that isn’t falling down around us. To discover the cure for Fibromyalgia. I don’t know. I have a lot of dreams and a lot of them will never be realized, but that’s okay.
I hope that all made at least a little sense.
The Canadian Gypsy (this week) named Amy sent these along:
i. Why was your first video blog so mind-numbingly dull that I didn’t watch the whole thing?
Because you have no taste.
ii. Why did I word that in such a mean way?
Because you’re a bitch. (I keed)
iii. Bryan Wilson or Jesus: Who is the real Messiah?
Trick Question. Bryan Wilson IS Jesus.
iv. Why don’t more people ride bicycles?
Because our collective goal, as a species, is to rape this planet until it bleeds molten fire and implodes from the overwhelming weight of our ignorance.
v. Do you like my new glasses?
The last pair of glasses I saw you wearing, which was quite awhile ago, yes. If you’ve gotten glasses since then, I DO NOT KNOW.
vi. What was Henry VIII’s 5th wife’s name? Why?
Carol. Because it was her father’s mother’s cat’s name and her father was always quite fond of that cat.
vii. If I were to take you on a picnic in the woods and bring Guinness, would anybody hear me scream when you started acting zany?
It depends on how far civilization is from the woods in question. Also, if by “zany”, you mean “drunk”, then it would take something other than Guinness. I don’t drink Guinness to get drunk, I drink it for the flavor.
viii. Have you ever acted zany?
THAT IS NONE OF YOUR GOD DAMN BUSINESS.
ix. Latin or Arabic: Which is cooler?
Latin, because it can get you laid. If you go around speaking Arabic, you’re more likely to see the inside of an Airport holding cell than the inside of a lady’s panties.
x. If you were to die today, what would you do tomorrow? THINK ABOUT IT.
I would haunt you until your dying days. I would not make the walls bleed or throw chairs around the room, I would instead do things like hide your glasses or put the toilet seat up so you would blame Jason. BUT I WOULD DO SO ON AN HOURLY BASIS AND YOU WOULD BE QUITE ANNOYED.
And that brings us to the end of yet another Q&A blog. Thanks to everyone who participated, thanks to everyone who didn’t participate, and thanks to those who aren’t reading this blog. I love you most of all.
It’s time once again to answer some of your hard hitting questions.
Let’s get right to it:
What is your favorite healthy snack?
I love sliced green apple with fat free peanut butter spread on them. I’ve also been known to chew on carrots from time to time. Yogurt is a favorite of mine, as well.
What is your favorite non-healthy snack?
I try to stay away from the non-healthy snacks these days, but I do love salty potato chips and sugary donuts.
If you could only choose one topping (besides cheese) on a pizza, what would it be?
One topping aside from cheese? In those circumstances, probably sausage or pineapple.
For the record, my perfect pizza consists of pineapple, feta cheese and garlic.
Fried chicken: Nummy or Nasty?
It depends entirely upon who is making it. I generally stay away from fried chicken, due to how greasy it tends to be. But if made correctly, I enjoy it.
What is your favorite tasty beverage? (alcoholic and non-alcoholic)
Non-alcoholic beverages of choice include a good cup of tea, most soft drinks (though I find myself in the place of only drinking diet soft drinks, as regular soft drinks are far too sweet for me), and some flavored waters.
Alcoholic beverages is a far smaller list. If I’m drinking beer for the sole purpose of becoming intoxicated, I drink something boring and lacking in flavor, mostly American beers (Bud, Miller, Coors, etc.), but if I drink beer for pleasure, I drink something like Guinness.
Outside of beer, I prefer scotch.
What are your goals in life?
A tricky one.
The short answer is: to live.
However, there is, of course, more to it than that.
Professionally, I’d like to have at least one novel published, I’d like to complete a comic book with an artist who has the time to devote to it, I’d like to have a film in production, and I’d like to be recognized for at least one of these things.
Personally, I’d like to finally wed the woman I love, perhaps have another couple of children, and be financially stable enough to have a house we deserve as a family.
But yes, “to live”, is a good answer too.
What…is your favorite kind of cheese?
Sharp cheddar, provolone, swiss.
(for the record, I laughed.)
Jennifer Rose asked:
How is everyone?
Everyone is fine. Money is tight, the weather is Apocalyptic and weird, but overall, we’re alive.
When are you guys coming to Scotland?
When money is not so tight. Which, sadly, I feel won’t be for some time.
Unless we win the lottery.
Watch any good movies lately?
The Orphanage, a Spanish film executive produced by Guillermo Del Toro, was very well done.
Planet Terror, part of Grindhouse and directed by Robert Rodriguez, was silly and gross and fun.
Other than that, haven’t been to the theater in quite some time. But we are planning on seeing Iron Man.
Would you eat haggis, black pudding, white pudding or spotted dick?
I’m usually very open to trying new things, even when I know what’s in them. So I’d say that, yes, I would try them. I can’t guarantee they’d become new favorites, but I would give them a try.
Do you find it strange that you have a friend named Jennifer Rose?
Given that Jennifer Rose is one of the single coolest people on the planet, I’d say no. Not strange at all.
Do you have any friends named Mike Jim? Or Frank Larry? How about Amy Paula?
No, no, and no. But this is very much like asking “You have a friend named Dustin Brown? Do you have friends named Jack Yellow? or Bill Red? How about Hannah Blue?”, thus it strikes me as funny.
Also, is she hot?
She is a beautiful person, inside and out.
Also, you’re a pervert.
That’s it for this month. Thank you to those who participated.